Fill 'er Up

I've been thinking about that verse in Ecclesiates - you know that one about eternity being placed in our hearts yet we cannot fathom God?

It stopped me for the first time when I was 16 and new to the wisdom books, the mysterious explanation of the longing I felt quickly followed by the codicil "yet they cannot fathom God". I always thought that it was like a glimmer of hope, quickly snuffed out.

I guess, as with God, I've never been able to fathom the meaning of this little verse but it has been making a lot of sense in light of my addictions and dependencies.

I find I'm doing things that are not healthy and when I recognise what's going on I try and work to stop it and develop new patterns of thought and action. I usually find I started because I was trying to fill this eternal hole in my heart. Most of the time I don't even know that this is what I'm trying to do.

Sounds basic, doesn't it?

But then you realise that you're shopping because you're trying to fill the eternal hole, and flirting because you're trying to fill it, you're living in the trivial because it's easier to understand and control - it feels like the eternal is being filled. But what I need is found in God, he's the only whole, eternal being I know. He gives me what I need to live, he sees and knows me, he is out of my control, but everything I know is under his power.

God is what I'm longing for, even though I can't fathom him.