Ripper Question

Found out tonight that someone else is interested. Geez, when it rains it pours.

Q: (from mother) so what are you looking for in a man?
Instantly, defence mechanisms kick in
A: Actually, I, ------??

The desire for a man used to be about a 'relationship' and it was pretty selfish, focused more on what I needed fulfilled, rather than a sacrificial, intimate, sharing, knowing, fun.... thing. Now, I don't have a clue what I want. I don't even think pondering about "what I want" is the best place to start.

I would like to be closer to someone, just later on. I still feel really young, am I really just meant to 'grow up' and accept whatever comes my way based on a fear of what happens if I get 'old' and my 'opportunites' are all gone? I don't really care. Maybe I'm immature. Maybe I want to be immature if this is what is really going on.

Of course, there are moments where I crave intimacy, emotional or sexual, but I have plenty of male friends who I can talk with and be around that ease those moments. Don't worry, if the previous sentence scared you, the sex side of things is usually handled with a text message to Sarah that says something like "WHY DO I WANT TO HAVE FREAKING SEX? WHY WHY WHY?????????" She understands, and the desire passes. I guess I need to think about what would be logical and nice in a relationship, but it's an annoying topic of thought and I just can't be bothered. It all seems so banal.

Q: So, what are you looking for in a man?
Initially? (I feel like such a dweeb..)
A: A good vocabulary.

Still doesn't help with what I am to say to this man. Geez I'm a coward.